I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
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shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
We don’t deserve birds.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost