Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet