Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
You Might Also Like
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
A short story about romance.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.