Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
You Might Also Like
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush