Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
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Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME