“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
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When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
when a toddler tells a story
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.