Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus