Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.