“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
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CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
Many hands make light work
#Caturday
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.