Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.