Ape together strong
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Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.