Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

This kinda thing happens to me often