ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
