Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
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me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.