Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives