Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

Hamburger Hinderer.

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.