5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
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Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
how long have you had this for?
