Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
You Might Also Like
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?