Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Pickled cat.

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

😞

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.