Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

My purse is deeper than some people.

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Proctologist = Analyst

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?