the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
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when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
your daddy is a what now?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Why am I like this?
