Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
This kid is going places
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.