My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
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Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.