One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
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Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
i’m gonna allow it
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
put ‘er there pardner!
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.