If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.