my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
repaired
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me