Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

me: my friends:

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep