3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
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When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
When he asks for feet pics
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?