How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Easy enough.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark