Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
You Might Also Like
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.