What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
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My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Writing, She Murdered.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.