Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

Always a housemaid, never a house.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”