Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
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NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
my astrological sign is a french fry
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
no one ever comes back
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.