Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Good news

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

what does he know…

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”