why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
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The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
me linking you to my twitter
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Check your privilege
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.