Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.

Robin: Great!

Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.

Robin: Ummm….

Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!