Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

😂😂

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.