Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My 9yo decided to give me a lil pop quiz on our way to school this morning. She really pumped me up and cheered every time I got it right. Anyway, I accidentally did her math homework
me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!”
“Uhh, yeah, it’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Venn
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches