Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.