“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
