Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️