When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
You Might Also Like
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed