Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny