Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

Monday?
No. Next question.

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon