5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
definitely did not do anything wrong
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password