I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
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Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
When he asks for feet pics
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’