I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
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Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.