Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked