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Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.