my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
You Might Also Like
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line